I have felt really bad for
years that I don’t pray right.
I started to develop a prayer life in my college years, in my
dorm room on my knees beside my bed, where I thought you had to
be to pray, like a little kid in a Norman Rockwell painting. It
was a very transforming time in my life, developing my
spirituality in a free-form conversation with an unseen God.
Passionate, raw and simple, the learning curve was pretty steep.
Then I started to pray for other people all the time, church
folk have termed this intercessory prayer. Then I started to
lose track of all the people I was praying for, so I wrote down
all their names on a three-by-five inch recipe card which I kept
in my Bible. I was passionate about praying for every one of
these people every day. Very soon, though, I became a slave to
the list. If I didn’t pray specifically for every name on this
very crowded card in a very specific way, every day, I had a
tremendous sense of guilt. What started as a beautiful
expression of selflessness, rooted in a deep concern for the
welfare of other people quickly turned into a spiritual prison.
The card should have become a tool to support and maintain a
fresh and alive movement in my heart.
In retrospect, I didn’t have the wisdom to understand that this
little three-by-five recipe card was my slave, not my master.
The names on the card represented people in my life in which I
cared deeply for their relationship with God and they were to be
a part of my conversation with Him, not necessarily the sole
focus of my purpose in life, as if that was all I was good for
to God, to use me like a tool. I’m sure that somewhere in my
competitive mindset I thought I might be a little closer to God
if I could get these people “converted.” Somewhere in my
youthful misunderstanding and lack of biblical maturity I
thought it was me that was going to change the world and I was
going to talk God into it. Not that I don’t really believe in
this kind of praying for people, it just needs to be put in the
right perspective.
A few years later, a very popular American pastor came up with a
one hour prayer formula based on the Lord’s Prayer. Wow, not
just a little three by five card, but a very complex outline to
follow in precise detail. I was really excited about the promise
of being a part of changing the world by following this one hour
formula. The only problem was, after a few times through this
formula I got really bored. Then my boredom would turn to guilt
because I was not changing the world, like I had to wake God up
and tell Him what to do today. While I appreciate the process of
teaching people how to pray, strictly rigid formulas just do not
work if you’re trying to teach someone to have a relationship
with God, any more than a formula for a relationship with a
person.
I have come to realize that God, from the beginning, just wanted
to have relationship with us, his highest of creation. But how
quickly we turn this relationship into a formula, a system. Now
if anybody appreciates a systematic approach to life it is me.
Systems are a way of keeping everything in their place so they
don’t get ignored. A way of taking care of everything, of making
sure it all gets done. I also believe that a systematic approach
to life is also a huge part of God’s order as well. One glance
at the flora and fauna of creation reveals a systematic order of
grand scale.
But our relationship with God cannot be completely boiled down
to a bunch of systems. He is far too complex for that. I have
learned much about God’s nature from getting to know my wife.
She is very different from me, very creative, somewhat
unpredictable and a whole lot of fun to be around. My
relationship with her is best developed by the passion of the
moment, what we feel like doing together or talking about in the
moment. Without her my life would be very predictable and
boring, a life lived through the head after a heart by-pass
operation.
It is when I boil this relationship down to the lowest level of
systems that I fail miserably as a husband. When this
relationship is reduced to things I have to do to get what I
want is when it has ceased to be what it was designed to be.
Do you know what they call a man who approaches a woman with a
very systematic formula? A bachelor. The created order of the
relationship between man and woman is the most striking example
of our relationship with God, and it is no accident that this is
one of the primary metaphors the bible uses to explain our
relationship to God. The really cool thing about this process is
that it is incredibly mysterious, and often defies explanation.
Sure, there are several principles (systems) a man should employ
to have a fruitful relationship with a woman, but these
principles can never replace the mans ability to think, create,
talk, feel, express, risk, long-for, seek, pursue, chase,
scratch his head, fail, celebrate and doubt all at the same
time. Kind of like our relationship with God. You cannot simply
replace that with a system, that’s way too easy. Not that God is
into being difficult, but if seeking Him wasn’t a challenge,
life would be really boring.
This struggle, the dynamic tension between the brain and the
heart, has been going on for centuries. If you follow one or the
other too closely without the other giving balance, you will
be...out of balance. If all we do as people seeking God is talk
to him about our own struggles and soul-drama, then our
experience with God is incomplete. If all we do is try to
convince God to change other people or situations then our
experience of Him is incomplete. But for this man, I have a
tendency to boil it all down until it is one very easy to follow
system. Very heady. But what about the heart of it all? What
about emotion and passion and art and beauty?
There was a song written in 1977 by Neil Peart and Peter Talbot
that kind of brings it to light, a song called Closer to the
Heart from Rush’s Hemispheres album.
And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones to start
To mould a new reality
Closer to the heart
The blacksmith and the artist
Reflect it in their art
Forge their creativity
Closer to the heart
Philosophers and ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the heart
You can be the captain
I will draw the chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the heart
Kind of like my prayer life...closer to the heart. Not a
shallow, works-oriented, check-the-box kind of event. But a
heartfelt process of life and mystery and unpredictable
creativity, coupled with the reason of system and wisdom.
All on a three-by-five card.
_____________________________________________________________
